3:51 P.M. - Monday, Mar. 03, 2008
The cards came crashing down
Thanks for many well wishes from my recent entry, I understand there is nothing any one can do to help me walk the new path I find myself on, I know I am never completely alone and many others have walked before me. The road appears foreign, unforgiving but a road there is no turning back, I must continue to find my way at my pace. Right now I am stumbling along finding peace through dreams that feel more familiar than my day to day. I know I must stop sleeping my days off, get out, and find me that feel's lost in the shuffle of life's losses. I can't grasp just one, there are too many as I find my mind bogged down with unexplainable anguish.

It took nothing more than a tiny set back at the Dr's office today that brought down the cards of the past I have strategically place around me, a gust of wind sent them flying and no time to restack them protecting me from emotions I have stifled from everyone close to me. A tip of the scale, slippery slope, created an avalanche of tears I felt embarrassed from but could not stop. I wanted to hide, disappear, and melt away, no words that made sense just a feeling of not knowing how to push forward. The Dr advised an antidepressant and I did agree to talk to a counselor so she set up an appointment for this coming Monday. My fear of antidepressants is I will walk in a haze of pent up emotions not allowing me to heal and move on. She suggested because I lean on faith to find a church walk in and talk to someone, anyone before Monday. I left the office, came home and slept, dreamed.

Later I went for a drive and located a historic district of the little town I live in. There was a beautiful lake, a walkway around it, little shops adored the area, and I wanted to get out and just walk. Fear of what ever kept me from leaving the car and I drove home.

I have positive advice on how to get a grip on my newfound freedom, I just can't put it in motion, I feel as if I don't know how, too many steps and I am tired. I refuse to beat myself up and look at today as one-step I had not taken before, I made the drive alone and next time I'll get out of the car.

I want to be strong as I have projected myself to be, I know I have it in me. I'll replace the cards after I have examined them and take another step into the future. I will count not the times I fall into the ashes but the times I rise above and continue my journey.

I do know how to move forward it is the putting into action the knowing I have within. I need to work on doubt that lies beneath the surface just waiting for the next gust of wind to bring me down.

I am strong, I have faith, I will rebuild.

Sandyz

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