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8:22 P.M. - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008 One day at work, I stood on a balcony of a room I was working in and observed everyone below. Couples laughing, swimming, walking hand in hand, young ones reaching to hold hands with moms and dads, all in awe of everything magical around them. I felt that I was having an out of body experience nothing seemed real. They were nothing more than marionettes walking across stage. When I unearth the past months, years if I dig deep, I feel anger. Running along side irritation is sadness, no tears surface but they are there. It is as though I cry from the inside, masking truth with a smile. When someone asks how I am I tell them, fine, down deep I am screaming leave me alone, deeper I long to talk to someone. I trust not many with my turmoil of feelings not even myself. I try to keep busy on time off spending days with my children and grandkids. There is an undercurrent beneath the surface separating me from truly feeling a sense of belonging. My mind skims every conversation hoping I am not upsetting anyone. Most of the time I say nothing, I listen and wonder what is wrong with me that I feel so desolate even when I am with others. I wonder if a day will come that I will feel as though I fit in some place, anywhere. I ponder the possibility I have run out of roads, I have been down many and I am tired of my travels leaving me stranded in similar situations. I need to change direction and continue my walk alone. However, I can't think long enough to put a plan in action, my inconsistent thoughts elude me. I had positive days and the bitter seemed to follow, such is life as the pendulum swings. Tonight I feel distraught, alone, irritable and I have the day off tomorrow. I am wondering once more, what is wrong with me. A fleeting thought raced by so quickly I hardly took notice�no one said it would be easy to walk alone for the first time in my life�and it isn't Sandyz
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