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10:56 P.M. - Sunday, Feb. 24, 2008
My life is my own
I bought food tonight, not the frozen kind in a box that whirls around in the microwave. Potatoes one can peal, fish to saut� bread or fry, eggs, milk, things to fix. This was a big step for me, from the time he left once again I have been inhaling not daring to exhale. I have been staying close to home like a mother protecting her young, working but not thinking about my job, existing without living. I felt while frozen on the outside I was only moving through motions. Below the surface fire was raging, my time has been spent observing the flames trying to heal with hell nipping at my heels. Depression riding my coattail, anger finding pathway through my breath, I worked on staying silent.

There were no angry words as we agreed our lives had drifted apart, we were no good for each other, and our season had passed. We didn't say good bye, I knew when he was setting sail and when I got home he had gone. We agreed not to be in contact; so far, he has kept his word.

Tonight after work, I was weary of limbo life and broke tradition. I changed clothes at work, went to the restaurant my youngest works at and had dinner. Yes, alone but I was fine. I suppose I thought everyone would gawk and wonder why I was taking up a table for four when in reality my daughter was thrilled I came in and all the walls around me tumbled down, I felt good.

I left the eatery and went shopping I was sick of the frozen box crap. I had a good time even with those few times memories flooded my heart. Tears don't fall but they are close to the surface, I work at keeping my voice steady. I talk to no one here about my husband's departure this is my battle.

My life is now my own this I am coming to terms with. The anxiety and fears of traveling alone at this late stage of my life is beginning to subside. I cannot say excitement is knocking me down but calmness is easing its way across my life as the fog settles. I am ready for this journey a road I have not traveled.

I look onward but cannot see around the corner. I am in no hurry. One-step at a time, one day, one breath, inhale-exhale, my life is my own.

Sandyz

 

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