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8:54 A.M. - Sunday, Nov. 25, 2007
Follow my heart?
If the heart leads, I am with my husband the past behind me a new beginning before me. I cannot explain this as the answers are buried deep within my being. I ask myself is it fears of aloneness, lack of financial stability or me unwilling to let go. I don't know, every question feels open-ended, every thought a what if.

He didn't leave, he talked more last night than he has from the time he got here, I listened. I felt every fear he spoke about all his uncertainties are mine. He said he knows his dislike of Florida is his fear of failure once again, the what ifs drive him insane, letting go most difficult. He wants a chance to learn to live without the call of alcohol, without being needy without clinging and letting go of the guilt of losing his daugher. Most of all he said he wants the chance to be the husband he has failed to be for many years, the strong one. He said he is full of insecurities and knows the toughest battles are before him, he just wants a chance to see if it is in him to move forward.

I decided not to move back to the little room even knowing my income will not support me let alone us. I'll make less starting next week than I have on unemployment, half of what I made at the factory. I still count my new job as a blessing; it's a start one day at a time start and just maybe the future will not feel so murky.

I keep reminding myself life is a journey an awesome one when we let go of fear and embrace today. Lord knows the battles I am struggling with and I know I am not alone.

Sandyz

 

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