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8:39 A.M. - Saturday, Nov. 24, 2007 I have been fearful of exposing my self beyond this little circle here in the sunshine state afraid of what others would think or how I could explain my inner most thoughts when I myself have not come to terms. I have wanted to be open talk ask advice or to seek help beyond my own complicated thinking but uncertainty has over shadowed reaching out. I wanted a happy ending, an understanding within my being before pulling off the bandage of life. That man came back into my life one week ago; it was after a rocky encounter with those I love over my sudden move to another county. There was no explanation as to why within one day I moved out of the little dwelling my kids had prepared for me knowing long term I wouldn't be able to afford this bigger place. I wanted something for me, a feeling of pride not living in a place one could only feel pity for. My brother called at the perfect time, I had made the decision to move back to the little room to keep the connection with my kids, seems my ability to make impulsive moves have too many times hurt those I care deeply about, never my intention. He helped settle my fears I had not made a selfish move but one to better my self long term. It is most difficult to feel good while feeling like crap. The following morning the call came, he was on his way down, my husband, that man. The one that I can not bare to read past entries about the one that has left me alone through painful experiences. He was in Mississippi and said he couldn't live without knowing he gave our marriage one last chance. I didn't hang up on him, tell him where to take himself to, I met him the following day and bought him to my world. All the heartbreak pain and loss was sat on the back burner, I too wanted to recapture something that got caught up in the winds of life, something I could hardly recall but longed for just the same. What if we could reconnect what if life could find that crack in the wall and repair it, what if our lives could be one again. My thoughts were of happiness, reconnection, and the end of some of life's uncertainties, fears, just one loss found again and caged. A page from the past ripped out and placed in the chapters of tomorrow. What if� The kids were thrilled; one came to visit and brought my grandsons, each with a token of love for their paw-paw, signed baseballs from their dad's game. My move away was no longer questioned they only hoped one day we would find a home closer to them. They were not being selfish, they wanted what they felt I wanted a part of a lost past brought back to life. He didn't move in per say his things sit in the corner of the garage he bought only a suitcase in testing the waters. We talked, spent a day at the beach, his love of the water we don't share, sand on his feet is not his love. We drove throughout the surrounding counties, me the optimist him the pessimist. Me still longing for common ground him reaching back to the past, we are worlds apart. The eve of Thanksgiving my sister called, how I longed to sit face to face tell her all that was going on, spill my thoughts between us ask for advice. She like me has walked this road; I listened to all she talked about and how she managed to finally walk away with Christ as her companion. I wasn't ready to talk about my life fearful of judgment although knowing in my heart all those that love me want only what makes me smile. I pondered my father's disappointment, he walked along side me through the darkness, my mom my e-mail inspiration and countless friends reached through the fog to help me stand again, to help me take those painful steps into the present. Many of us live silent lies, some may drink and hide the bottle, others smoke and hide the butts when friends or family come, I felt if I had made a retched mistake and the remains were left scattered around my feet I would quietly sweep it all under the rug and walk away having no one know my foolishness once again. Thanksgiving was a good day, the kids and grandkids, spouses and spouses to be all connected. My daughter's prepared the most wonderful dinner I brought along the sweet potatoes and a few pies. Everyone made a fuss over him they wanted our happiness and the painful past left behind. My daughters and I talked they have been fearful of how they perceived my state of mind, my aloneness; they want what everyone longs for peace. Yesterday we talked again, he doesn't like it here, and we talked about the future not daring to dwell in the past. We discussed the differences we now have, I 'm reaching forward he said he's locked in the past. He wants to start out fresh but not here, back in the mountains, back northbound. I told him "no," my life is here. He has plans to leave this morning, last night I sat again the darkened living room fearful of tomorrows. This morning I felt the need to write, expose my self, to trust those that I allow into my foolish world, a world I find letting go a difficult task. I'm older now and my fear of another failed relationship has left me floundering in the dust, feelings of regret, loss maddening. I suppose I needed this closure as well as he, now I can't ponder what if�I already know. Sandyz
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