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10:32 A.M. - Saturday, Nov. 10, 2007
Bitter Sweet
Sorry I haven't updated what an adjustment to have moved again within a month of being here. I am lost in this part of the world my guide Google maps. I hadn't got my bearings in the last county now I am on the other side of the big city; this is the heaviest traffic I have seen yet. But I came from an area where at times no one was climbing the mountain the same time I was.

I love my new house; I know it is a miracle, blessing, the universe in motion, something besides happenstance that got me here. I am thankful everyday. My voice echoes when I talk on the phone as empty space surrounds me, there are so many rooms and I look forward to going to yard sales, auctions, flea markets, outlets and making this place a home.

A quiet sadness I have been experiencing is the reaction I received from my daughters and granddaughter. Some thing inside felt they would be overjoyed for me, what I got was a quite coldness me now being the deserter. My granddaughter the most upset I have moved away, a broken bridge, not burned but in bad need of repair. I believe time may help mend it.

None of them understand the pain of my life before moving here, there is too much joy in their lives for me to sit and talk about all that fell to pieces before my move here. My life was left shattered behind while I brought only bits of what was left with me. No one asks and I don't talk about it.

When I arrived we went shopping for maternity clothes for my grand daughter, little baby things. Their world filled with happiness while I walked with them also buying things for her but with painted smile. We went shopping for a wedding dress for my oldest, each store a trinket here a keepsake there, and I bought many things but my purchases where for their worlds, their joy mine. The past pain I'd buried beneath the flesh. What I did purchase was with keeping in mind I had no space, the place filthy, my things placed in every corner possible, under the bed, up in my granddaughters attic. I tried my best to fix it up, make my space livable but down deep I was mortified when looking around my living quarters. I felt much gratitude on one hand to have had a place to land, sick at heart in my next breath. Life felt unfair, but the blessing of being around my family out weighed during my times away.

They all went to a mega flea market one Monday I dodged the outing not wanting to be this dark cloud of wanting pretty things and having no place to put them. I felt alone and sad. There were days I cried thinking of the embarrassment of living attached to my granddaughter in a place fit for storage of machinery not humans. I could have paid high dollar, fixed the leaking sink, the broken window, the windows that wouldn't open or some wouldn't close, the blinds that were filthy and broken, a door that couldn't be locked because the washer and drier I purchased was for my granddaughters use as well. But even with all that it was too small, things I had left were getting broken, seems I was dropping everything I picked up. I was there but not really.

How wonderful I felt when I first stood inside this place thinking of the fun it would be to go with the girls and all of us hunting for the piece of magic that would make each of our worlds a nicer place. All of us would now have an awesome place to live to decorate for the holidays, to entertain each other in our separate worlds.

When I came back with this bubble of excitement I was riddled with Oh my God�"why." Soon it was apparent once I had my foot firm about leaving I had traded my connection with my children and granddaughter for a touch of heaven. I am on my own once again; they say I am too far. My 70's friend that set this awesome new life in motion has been a tremendous help but she works full time and her life too is full of wonderful things going on. Her daughter is also in the process of preparing for a wedding hers to be one month before my daughters.

I have tried to reconnect with my granddaughter, she doesn't answer the phone or return calls, (I did leave the washer and drier for her little family as a token of love) my oldest is silent, most likely saddened for what appears to be her daughters loss, my desertion. My youngest has called once and we made plans for yesterday, when I was ready to leave she changed her mind, not a good day she was visiting my oldest to help get baby shower invites prepared. I felt this tug in my heart�I couldn't go because?? I didn't ask, I changed clothes and went in search of a job. I have been re invited to visit Sunday, this from my family that doesn't lock doors to family, so I was told. Not one of them has asked about my new place; how I am doing or shown any desire to see it. My granddaughter was here the day I moved; she sat crossed armed in the car not saying anything.

I sit in this new place, a wonderful new beginning, a place to make a home, a dream come true, the price in dollars is affordable but for the heart it is pricy.

I keep walking forward silent prayers my children will see this as I do a blessing, before I lived over a thousand miles, now an hour from my oldest, 40 minutes from the others. I may not be right on their doorstep but I am close enough to get that hug any time I drive across town.

Maybe they just don't know who this mom is any more, one that can't be an enabler to anyone again, and one that has new wings and wants to fly to feel the passion of life again. I pray they decide to fly with me; no distance can break a bond when love is present.

I sit here tears filling my eyes, I feel so blessed in one breath so much sadness in another.

Sandyz


(These pictures are not very good�bad camera�or is it me? I am taking photos from my other camera, we'll see once developed how they turn out. At least this gives an idea of my place.)

Outside of my home (part of it)



Screened in back porch (cats heaven)



French doors leading to back screened porch�kitty looks out.



Kitchen leading to laundry room also to two car garage



Better photos soon�

 

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