9:30 A.M. - Friday, Nov. 02, 2007
Don't want to build a life around sorrow
I watched a movie the other night I felt this statement, "you have had a career of being unhappy." I recalled being told many years ago you must love living on the brink of disaster. I wonder about this after finally reaching my destination, leaving a life of uncertainty and now walking around as if there is a dark cloud hovering over me.

I have good moments, I enjoyed a day with my youngest grandson, had him all day a great bonding opportunity. I enjoy spending time with my daughters, having lunch with just us girls on my birthday, talking morning walks with my granddaughter. Many times while out walking I recall why I love this state, the smells, warm temps, awesome trees covered in moss and some with fruit, the blue skies, and shimmering ripples moving along the lakes. It feels as if I came home, but at times I feel as though I left a part of me behind.

At night I reflect on my day, I have noticed I seldom laugh, I rarely smile, I feel nervous, I sense emptiness. I make myself a promise each night to wake up and count blessings, to be thankful I am now close to my children and grand kids, to enjoy life, take little steps but take pleasure in living, breathing.

When I get up I go through motions, each day sinking my teeth into my new life, I complete a goal. It seems as though I go through the process with little emotion, I smiled when I got my drivers licenses but felt alone in my happiness.

Last night I was going through my on-line photos and stumbled across some pictures of my life on the mountain, my stomach stirred sadness hovered over me and I still see those photos within my minds eye as I type this morning. I hold back tears feeling loss but not feeling at all. It is very confusing.

I had so longed to get to this state, wake up with the happy dance. I do a dance but I am all over the place. Still I am trying, healing, letting go, learning about me and searching inward for that peaceful feeling. I know it is there, I can sense it I just can't fit into the suit just yet. I don't want to be known as one who lives life under dark clouds.

Sandyz

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