7:14 A.M. - Tuesday, Sept. 18, 2007
The little things
I had a two day melt down over little things, fixable ruts in the road, insignificant "problems" that were not etched in stone, new ideas that could be talked about adjustments made.

I didn't fall to pieces when the major storm blew through, not even when I found out he had disappointed my dad during a trip he made he long before I moved here with him. Shit so much of our family problems were on low simmer before I got here, he was a marked man before our Ozark dream heard the first sound of the hammers beginning to build it.

For many years I sang praise and was proud of my soul mate, telling the story of Divine intervention that brought us together, holding even tighter to the man I felt was to be my life partner, while others might thought me a blind fool. I understood none of it, blinded to truth I knew nothing about.

I kept my composer when my 6 year job became a memory from a blasted fall on the ice, when I drove by and saw the little signs along the dirt road announcing to the world our life was being bided away. I didn't even cry when he drove away this last time leaving me to face the end of this nightmare alone.

Those little things, little fixable kinks in the wire, nothing that can't be worked out, it doesn't require me to stop the planet, halt time, go back and "fix" the un-fixable, it was not something I have no control over, yet I crashed. I fell into a swirling world of depression and couldn't stop crying, I didn't care I was wearing big ugly torn flannels, a baggy sweat shirt, and didn't care my bangs were dangling over my nose covering my swollen eyes. I closed the curtains blocking the beauty from this slice of heaven here on the mountain, left dirty dishes in the sink, ate junk food and watched movies and kept right on crying. Good grief I cried all through the movie, "Flicka" and "Never Ending Story." I did not one thing in preparation for the upcoming auction, I was fearful of change, of leaving, of losing anything.

Yesterday afternoon I looked in the mirror and saw a stranger, I woke up, stood up took a deep breath and climbed out of the hole of despair. I reminded that stranger this is a new beginning not the end, a door closed another opened.

I took a shower and changed clothes, trimmed my bangs away from my eyes, opened the windows, took a walk, another step into the future.

I feel strangely odd realizing it wasn't the blast from hell, those unstoppable winds that brought me down, it was the little things, everything we have control over that kicked my ass.

Thank you for encouraging words, inspirational e-mail and phone calls that helped lift the black cloud from my world, I am back on the road taking small steps into the future knowing we are never truly alone.

Sandyz

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