9:25 A.M. - Saturday, Sept. 01, 2007
Labor Day
I was thinking about Labor Day and the holiday weekend we have stepped in. Husband wanted me to stop by the liquor store yesterday when I was in town so we could have a mini celebration, just the two of us having a cook out. He said it would be our last Labor Day together and was hoping for a "nice" one.

Of course, I didn't buy beer or any kind of booze that was the last thing on my mind.

My heart does go out to him as he clings to past Labor Days with friends while living in PA; we have some awesome memories.

My heart aches to bring back one of those holidays when we made preparations weeks in advance, calling our children, friends and making plans. There were times we had 20 to 30 adults and children racing around our farm, a large tarp set up for an eating area the porch tables lined with food, grills filled with an assortment of meat cooking, a time when life seemed wonderful.

We played horseshoes, baseball, some rode horses, guys telling little lies about the "big" deer they would bag come November, a time when summer was beginning to shed her skin to allow fall to blossom. A time when worries were set aside and we had fun while memories were born.

I miss those years even more as I sit in a practically empty house with a heart filled with little fears about tomorrows, letting go one day at a time.

Husband I feel sure is feeling the emptiness as well, he joked about it a few days ago asking how many people I invited over for Labor Day. I laughed but the thought stung, the end is near.

Husband has finally done much of the work outside that he had let go for this upcoming auction, I have almost ended my part inside the house completing the organization and cleaning. Now it is a time of waiting, first the showing of the property on the ninth, then the auction on the 29th. One more time of wait until we receive the check, our final closer as our life together will be divided by dollars and cents.

I long to leave this house on Labor Day to be with family here, but my heart holds me here knowing he would be in total aloneness. I can't do it, the pain of knowing he sits alone would be far greater than the heartache of just hanging around this place. Now that husband is almost done with the outside he sleeps more, depression has consumed him.

I did buy a few items to cook on the grill, I doubt it will help husband without the call of liquor, but I can try. If he drinks I'll have to leave and go somewhere, I don't trust him under the influence any longer.

The auctioneer will be here all day Sunday trying to complete the log and tag and remove anything left in the house in preparation for the sale. Monday, Labor Day we are on our own.

I know next year I'll be close to my kids and grandkids and I will merge my day with theirs, it will be a happier time, I'll be a great grandmother by then. I know my thoughts might drift towards husband wondering if he found peace close to his family, hoping his life has become more bearable. Praying he too has learned to let go.

I wish I could enter dreamland like the one husband does, forget about all that is going on and live the coming days through dreams alone. I would like to sleep until the day I receive a check and then put wheels in motion.

I can't though, my eyes are open, my heart aches, my thoughts are racing all over the place, I keep reminding myself, breathe in, breathe out, one moment at a time.

Sandyz
Think about freedom

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