12:15 P.M. - Wednesday, Aug. 29, 2007
It will not stop until the ride is over
If I had written a few nights ago feeling hopeless I would have written about grief, had I wrote yesterday evening it would have been about loss, this morning I took a walk to clear my mind to think about nothing about everything. I love to walk I often imagine myself with a backpack going nowhere but everywhere.

I recall having those same thoughts when I was a child, that longing to follow a creek, a railroad track, a country road. I never thought about where it was I wanted to go I just wanted to see what was beyond a turn on a trail, a tree blocking my view, over a mountain, around a bend.

I walked this morning for over an hour up and down a dirt road pondering all that lies ahead.

I think this is why I love the movie, "Forrest Gump," one day he started running and kept on going, I feel like that sometimes, just start walking and keep walking, no destination just movement beneath my feet never ending change of scenery.

If I think too far from this moment, even the simplest things frighten me, picking up the little trailer, traveling with the cats, or coming back to an empty home after the auction.

I have places I can go, family I can visit, but at times I feel I am like an over protective mother watching over her young. My mind conjures up what might be done to any item that holds keys to a new beginning. Any thing "lost" before the auction could harm the future. I suppose I have heard before, if I can't have it no one can. When dealing with an unpredictable person fears ride emotions.

I am rambling now, at times I feel I should stop writing; I upset or worry people I care about, never my intention. My mind is a strange creature to me, I think of something mulling it over many times until I feel I'll be suffocated by thoughts alone. When I write them down they are set free making room for new thoughts. When I was younger poetry would be caught in my minds web every verse playing through my brain until I gave it voice.

Right now, I feel as if I am on the Farris wheel of life, round and round not stopping until the ride is over. I never have (still don't) care for the Farris wheel, maybe that is why, it never stops until the guy at the controls decides when the ride is over, now it will be the bell of the auctioneer what will make the call.

Round and round, up and down, going nowhere until the ride is over.

Sandyz

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