8:55 A.M. - Tuesday, Aug. 28, 2007
There goes the neighborhood
The storm has passed beer is gone husband has settled into a quiet do you hate me mode. Common behavior of an alcoholic after a drunken rage, I hate that I know this from a pervious marriage but lessons learned from the past sometimes helps us know how to deal in the now. He wanted to know if he looked as bad as he thought he did after seeing how he had chopped of part of his beard, I lied. I suggested he cut his mustache and sideburns off and if he decided he wanted a full beard again to let it grow back even. (Right now, he looks crazy) He told me he was sorry, he didn't want me to hate him, to fear him. I lied, truth is I no longer feel safe while he is drinking, I would be a fool to trust reckless behavior.

My plan to escape to the river was interrupted by an unexpected e-mail from the auctioneer; they planned an unexpected visit yesterday to drop off the auction trailer. Today they will return to log and tag more items, remove them from the house and put them in the little shed.

Our auctioneers are awesome people, man and wife; he is a spine cancer survivor and is currently having non-related problems with his back. He told me this will most likely be their last real estate auction; back problems are interfering with his mobility to continue in this line of work. He told us they too are facing difficult choices, with mounting medical bills they may need to concentrate on real estate alone. They had to sell their hunting cabin and at times, they too look around thinking we could sell this, or that. Life is often like that, let go of materialistic items to allow us to continue through life.

He had a mini private conversation with me, seems husband called him during his drinking binge, husband wanted two checks drawn up after the auction, one for him the other for me. He requested a 60/40 split, me receiving 60%. At that point, husband was planning to leave before the auction. I was thinking Lord I wish he would.

Now sober husband decided he should weather the storm, stay until after the auction, some times dreams are short lived.

We are on the fast track now; I believe our auctioneer realizes Don is a bit unstable and unpredictable. The showing of the property is on September 9 instead of the 15th. This gives husband many hours of work to do outside around the house in preparation for the auction.

There are things I know about husband; who he feels he can lean on when his world crashes around him, so I sent out an SOS of sorts to his cousin in Mississippi. A call came almost immediately from the person husband feels a bond with. His cousin and his wife have requested him to come stay with them after the auction and spend some quiet time fishing, reminiscing about their past as young boys. This will give him something to ponder during these days ahead of us. The best news was he accepted their invitation when he leaves the Ozarks. His drive will be shorter and he feels welcome in their world.

The auctioneer requested a key to our home and the shed, telling husband at ANY time some interested buyer may want to see the place and they would need access. This place must be in order at all times if they are to handle a professional auction. Furthermore, they will be here at least three times a week gathering items and showing husband how best to lay out the large items before sale date.

Angles are everywhere.

Husband will be unable to close up the house and sleep all day; he will need to think about consequences of hanging out on the porch in a hazy world of alcohol. He has something to look forward to, a place where he feels he will be accepted just as he is. His cousin knows him.

I too have a safe haven I can retreat to in the event the call of liquor is stronger than he can resist, I will not stay here if the first can is opened. I know I am no longer safe with emotions racing in all directions when it is infected with booze.

Husband and I talked last night, I asked him what he plans to do with his life when this storm passes, he doesn't know. He did say he might try to learn to live, I didn't question this response.

For now all is quiet here, a large auction trailer is out in our field; we are both reeling with separate thoughts of new beginnings. He told me last night he wasn't giving up on us, on our marriage, on a life together. I smiled as not to give away my deepest thoughts, for the first time he grinned as well. I myself know it is over, when I leave the mountain the past is behind me and a new life begins.

I will not tell husband my thoughts, if only for a moment in time him feeling I don't detest the life we shared here maybe it will keep him from harms way. He needs time to heal, time to look inward, time to let go.

Maybe he will find peace in Mississippi, if he would stop long enough to listen to his heart I believe he would feel as I do; the love between us has taken flight.

Every time I gaze out the window the past and present collide, that blasted auction trailer blocks my view, shit, there goes the neighborhood.

Sandyz

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