3:53 P.M. - Monday, Aug. 27, 2007
Ranting of a mad man
Husband held back some money from his trip to Pa, said it was for an emergency. That crisis arrived yesterday he needed beer.

He started drinking that afternoon and by evening; he was stupid drunk. The name-calling started, the accusations of how I ruined his life, him wanting half the money for the Blazer that we owe payments. He trashed his family, my family, our life here even the auctioneer. On and on, I tried to concentrate on a movie I was watching, so he went out on the porch and started dialing his family members. Lord only knows what he said to them in his hazy world of alcohol.

He some how managed to cook dinner on the grill and after slamming through the house when he was finished, he told me dinner was ready if I wanted to eat. I came in the kitchen hoping he would calm down; he sat there looking out the window. I turned on the TV hoping something was on; he always watches television while eating. He screamed at me to turn it off, reached over the table and said he was going to throw it out the window.

I shoved my plate over to him and went back to the living room, finished watching the movie and fell sleep. Not before hearing him unpack his box of videos and holler about a movie he couldn't find. Once it was located, he sat up most the night watching movies, drinking beer.

I had a restless night; so many emotions racing through my mind. I tried once he passed out to write about it, no words came.

This morning I woke up early and found the kitchen trashed, dishes, beer cans, leftover dinner sitting around and his ashtray filled over the top. I cleaned the coffee maker and made my morning coffee, and checked e-mail. Still no words would come, just a conglomeration of emotions spilling through my soul.

I heard him stirring and made a quick decision to get out of here, I packed a little cooler with a few waters, a meal bar, grabbed my book, and a little chair, my destination, the river.

It was 8 when I arrived at the Buffalo, although sunny at home morning hadn't lifted the mist from her eyes on the river, it was a cool morning and I sat in the Blazer my mind silent.

The first arrival after me was a trailer full of horses and anxious riders ready for a day exploring the river trails on horseback. I felt happy for them. I watched as they disappeared down one of the beautiful trails.

By 9 sun made her appearance and with book and my chair I headed to the water. I found a little spot in low water close to a little water fall, sat down just to think and listen, to watch and pray.

I love the river, water moving through the rocks so clear I could study all moving things that live on the rivers bottom. I made hand movements in the water and watched the ripples, I thought about life. I tossed a few stones and watched them skip across the top of the river making new ripples, I thought about my life.

A biker dude stopped on the bridge and asked how I was doing, I told him it was a beautiful day, he wished me well I wished him a nice ride on such a gorgeous day.

I settled back and read for a while stopping only to listen to nature sounds, watch a little squirrel scamper along the rivers edge and see a hoard of butterflies take wing to the sky.

Around noon crowds of people started arriving with little ones in tow in search of a place to cool down, spend some pleasant time together while enjoying the river. I said many hellos, and then it was time to head home.

When I pulled up husband had already been drinking, I noticed he shaved his beard off. It would not have been bad but he left two long side burns that made a ring around his chin. I felt sad.

I understand his pain it caught up with him. A part of him feels lost with every sign that is placed down the road leading to our little home, screaming "AUCTON, September 27."

His words were cruel again, his look maddening, he isn't the man I loved and lived with for so many years.

He talked about the biggest rattlesnake ever found here in the Ozarks; he says he will kill one bigger so everyone will know he was here. His ranting went from asking me if I would go to the river with him and fish to hating me for causing this to happen, back and forth, until I tired of it and decided to go for a drive. I will not argue anymore, I don't know this man any more.

My heart does hurt, for whatever the reason I feel some of his pain. His change in his appearance him trying to like who he sees in the mirror.

He is so lost in alcohol he cannot even find peace there in that hazy world. So much a part of me at times feels I should hug him; tell him it will all be ok, take his pain and give it to God. However, down deep I know, he isn't the man I loved and lived with for so many years.

Time to let go�.

When leaving the river I saw a sign that said. "nature trail 11 miles," tomorrow-early morning I will get up and head back to the river, walk that trail and once again seek comfort in a place where I have found peace.

Sandyz

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