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10:38 A.M. - Thursday, Aug. 23, 2007 I often wonder at times how it got to this point, husbands drinking, his not being able or no desire to work, my complaining about him sitting around while I worked two jobs or 50/60 hours a week. I suppose it was a combination of many things, Don doesn't have it in him to stand back up and try again, he sits on the floor complaining about how unfair life is. I am not like that and being home all the time he wears me down, I can't be around someone with such a gloomy out-look about life. Good Lord we see everyday where others have been through so much worst and they move on, find that little flicker of hope and turn it back into a burning drive. Husband wallows in his "misfortunes." Yes, he lost a daughter, and he had surgery on his shoulder, maybe he can't hang sheetrock full time but he can get around, he can walk, he can build. He is going to try for full disability, I wish him luck with that, as long as he is an able body he can find work. It may be in a new field but it is possible. He has no desire to try something new; he wants to sit back and collect a check, drink away his pain get up in the afternoon and drown again in life's unpleasantness. I understand the grief of losing a loved one, we all do. But he can not go back in time and undue what appears to be her choice, she made the decision to end her life here. Maybe even if he had been there she would have followed the same road to destruction, she had already given up years ago. We all go through the blame game after a loss and think only if I this�or if I did that. But end result, we are not capable of changing what has already been done no matter how bad we beat ourselves up. Most people come to this realization, gather all the lemons surrounding their life, make some refreshing lemonade for the soul, and start moving forward. I am not in any way thinking this is cut and dry, it is a process that all that has suffered loss goes through. I have tried countless time talking about the wonders of life, new possibilities, and encouraging ideas for a new beginning. I have to be careful if I get to close to his swirling pool of self-pity, for every good thing I mention he shoots it down, brings darkness to the light. It makes me tired. He looks at the loss of this little place on the mountain as his loss; he does not see it is a beating we are both undertaking. He talks about all his things that are up for sale, there is no mention of any thing I might have gathered through the years that are now being sold. I realized last night while again arguing the reason I feel alone in this transition is because I am alone, he completely drifted away when I was no longer able to work full time and handle the bills. He most likely set sail in his mind before then but with me not here I didn't notice, or chose not to. I clung to some silly thought that if I could do this or that one day he would wake up and see life just doesn't stop because bad things happen, we look to new beginnings, adjust and move forward. Somewhere a long time ago he felt he was the victim embraced that thought and allowed it to fester until nothing positive could manifest in his mind. The downward spiral began and he is lost in it. He will be the one that will need to look for his lifeline; I can't help him without destroying myself. This is now between a higher power and himself. This is the time for me let go. The next month will not be easy but all things are possible. We have two people already interested in looking at our property the universe is in motion. It is possible for the property to sell before auction time. I'll find things to busy myself with, books to read, mediation to help heal, and positive thoughts I'll need to concentrate on until I can set sail. I do admire those that have a positive attitude it gives me incentive to look for all the good things that will come from this time of dealing with sadness. I will continue to write as often as my mind will settle down and allow thoughts to flow instead of feeling as if they are a jumbled mass of confusion. Although I do feel I am "alone" it is only right here on this mountain, I know we are never alone. I cling to those thoughts. Sandyz
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