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2:55 P.M. - Friday, Aug. 10, 2007 I have struggled with regret, what if, maybe had I, all types of remorse. This morning I woke up early, I have yet to sleep over five hours from the day husband came back through he door after his month of R&R. My mind so filled with memories sleep could not find a way through my overactive mind. I got to thinking about loss, how much loss we have felt over many years. I then shifted to what I was losing now, besides 17 years of stuff. I for the life of me cannot understand what I have been in mourning about�my "loss" will be: Life with an alcoholic, a man who has refused to work less than half the time we have lived here, a man who has looked to me to "find" money when bills were due. Accepted it was ok for me to work two jobs while he had none, pushed me up against a rock and hard place to work 50/60 hours so he could build this place on his time. Quit the best job he had here with benefits working 10-hour shifts instead of the 12 that I was scheduled, after three days because some "mentioned" the possibility of over time. We were on the same shift only working blocks from each other, he dropped me off and decided that job wasn't for him, came home went back to bed and picked me up after my 12-hour shift. A man who would look out the window on a winter morning after deciding he didn't need to go to his self-employed job and tell me to be careful the mountain might be icy. (I had to work; my job was one they expected one to go to each day, or "fired" might enter into the equation.) A man that was so drunk he couldn't get to the door to unlock it after I had worked a 16 hour shift and came home during a raging snow storm, a trip that took me 2 hours driving up the mountain scared shitless. Where was his worry I might not be OK?? I had to stand on the porch in the freezing dark and search for my freaking house key. My worry was he would be worried, silly me. A man who didn't work but one day after I had the rollover Blazer accident so I tossed out my "do not work" note from my Dr and went back to work after a month. I have little memory of even being back to work due to a closed head injury. I went right back to 16 hour days to catch back up�stupid me. A man that "needed a break" and went on a three-day fishing/drinking trip in another state while I was here with no transportation and pneumonia, he called once and asked if he should come back or if I was ok. I asked him to call back in the am and I'd see if I felt better, two days later he returned. I went to work almost passed out left; saw the Dr and he told me� pneumonia. A man who bitched constantly during the time I was off work after back surgery because he had to work and pay bills. He had a full time (Big laugh, only twice did he go to work the full 40-hour week in less than six months.) The house went to shit, dishes piled up and he bought most of the meals not to have to cook while I could not get up. A man who was angry when his job ended one day before I suppose to be released to go back to work and my Dr decided no way, I would re-injure my back, his thoughts were he needed a vacation before searching for a new job. He sat here moping for three weeks before I was able?? To go back to work. Then he took off with promises of working while vacationing and sending money for bills back home. (Never happened) A man that sold some of his things to make that trip (bills?) And stayed gone for a month leaving me to attempt to work full time while still recovering. He worked just enough to get back home only to decide to collect unemployment during this waiting time before the auction. A man who said he would compromise come to Florida but only after he went back north to spend at least a month with his family, then he would sell his truck and I could come pick him up. Then we could start over and have a good life. Of course, I would need to take the cats, find a place and get set up before he would move south. A man who decided it wouldn't be a good idea for him to come to Florida after all, when I lost my job because my back cannot tolerate more than an eight hour shift, anywhere. A man who reasoned it would not be his desire to have a humdrum full time job that he was expected to be at everyday. He would need to make at least three trips a year back north to spend time with family, how could he do that with a full time job? A man who knows I too have family in PA I miss dearly, would love to see, family in Indy I miss, and would love to visit, but is looking to me to pay all bills until we leave this blasted mountain. A man who slept or sat on the porch drinking while I did all the organizing of this place to help make it more appealing during the sale and much easier on the auctioneer when they come to log and tag. A man that has given only 6 hours (yes I kept track) of his time on the tractor "helping beautify" the place. A man that goes to bed at 7pm, gets up around 8am drinks coffee, sits, drinks more coffee sits, eats something, then opps too hot to go outside and goes back to bed. A man who hates to travel, divides his family/my family, is negative about life, and is only fun to be around when he first starts drinking�then he keeps on drinking himself stupid. A man who hates to entertain, hates parties, hates family gatherings, doesn't like water or any water sports, (unless he is drunk.) Good Lord I could go on forever, I could write a book. What the heck was I thinking I was going to miss? What loss? I have not seen the world through rose-colored glasses I have been living a fantasy world of what I felt might have been, what could have been. Time to wake up, stupid me, someone kick me. Sandyz
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