12:17 A.M. - Thursday, Aug. 02, 2007
Regrets?
Been a peaceful day, I enjoyed the summer temperatures and my little pool. Husband had said a few days ago that he would take me to the river one of these off days. After his liquor got to talking it was� all I have done, what I have I said. I was weary of his liquor moods and retreated to my computer room.

Today although tense, I found comfort right out side the door. Mediation tapes close to my place in the sun and other times I listened to day sounds, watched the rabbits and roadrunners. I felt grateful through all this sadness nature was right here.

Husband did not drink until this evening, I fixed a veggie burger or me he had pizza. He went to bed at 7 pm, how sad his days could be so full but he clouds them with regret not being there for is daughter and blames himself. He is a bitter man I wish him peace.

Tomorrow my relaxation will end as I start the sorting of the shed, I have many things I brought to this mountain from our move over 7 years ago. Most I will sell, to much baggage and it is time to let go of things I have burdened myself with for years. It will be exciting to see all I have stored for so long.

They are calling this a living auction, most auctions as this one happens normally once a person has move on to the after life. I suppose I am saving my children the pain of going through needless junk. I feel as if I am purging my life and many lives I have kept for years, this is the time to let go.

I will keep busy and do what must be done with as little contact with the stranger that is sharing our home. He is mot motivated to do anything but sit around for the free ride waiting for auction day so he too can move on. He hasn't the money to help with bills so for now I carry the burden. Nothing has changed so I can do this knowing it is temporary.

I hold fast to the visual I will be on my way soon, (not soon enough) and try desperately to say nothing more than what needs said. Too much hurt has already been voiced nothing more to say. He knows what he wants I know what I need to do. The call of the bottle screams louder than logic.

I wonder some times once he makes his move and continues to indulge where will he find himself. I wonder if he will have any regret's about someone that once thought him a soul mate. I guess as long as alcohol controls his life, that he will forever believe he is the victim. May be that is a good thing, Lord knows he feels enough burdens that he had no control over.

In the grand scheme of things it does not matter, what is done�is done, time to move forward.

Sandyz

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