9:26 P.M. - Friday, Jul. 20, 2007
Nobody wins
Husband has been home for the last two days, we had little to say the first night or the following day. What words were spoke was out of anger and hurt; there is too much of that going around.

This morning over coffee, I asked him if we could talk about his plans, why he was back etc. He did not want to. I pushed telling him telling him he could not continue to "do" this to me, not fair. One does not leave for a month not work and one-day waltz back into their life partners life.

We talked, he wants to go back to PA, I don't my heart is in Florida. He doesn't want to be in Florida living close to my children while his would be so far away. Same ole same. What happened to "our" family?

I asked him of he could have one wish concerning the future what would it be�he said to keep this place on the mountain. I didn't tell him all the things I thought about while he was gone, like where was the help during all this time if-if-if-if. What mattered what was done is done, no going back no matter how many hateful things I could have spit back at him.

I told him I didn't want to be here, I was leaving and if he wanted the place then he could stay here.

He doesn't want to be here on the mountain alone. I could have hammered that one. Still what was the sense of digging up bones?

I spent allot of time on the porch looking at the mountains, more time thinking about life. My new journey and his will begin soon and I wanted to remember what this place looked life.

We decided on what he would take back to PA and what I would move to Florida. We both will travel light heading in different directions. The anger concerning he did this I did that has ended.

We will spilt pictures of his and my family, also we both want pictures of our life together. Neither of us wants pictures of our life here in the Ozarks, to much pain, to many hurtful memories that was once our Ozark Dream.

I sorted things of mine he started the sorting of his, the things we bought while here will be sold at the action we plan to have in the near future. Useless things we will burn, the first was our photo album I had made from the day we bought this land. Many tears were shed as we watched the fire eat away our early days when life felt right, when dreams seemed possible.

I have an appointment next week to have a hitch put on my Blazer the wheels of change are in motion.

I have a few more dentist appointments to get through, a Dr's appointment and a visit for an eye exam for a new pair of driving glasses.

Husband said he would try to find work to help with monthly bills to carry us through until the final bankruptcy comes through September 11th. I am not counting on this happening but if he really wants to help, he can find something-anything. Time will tell.

This is not an easy time for either of us but I pray for the strength to get through without any more fits of anger. I think/hope the anger has been set aside so this time of sorting through our life will be easier on the both of us.

I work the next three days all 12-hour shifts, then my sister will be here for a visit for two days, by then I'll be back to two more days of work so this will help ease the tension that surrounds us when we are here together. I do believe there is still love between us but past actions have spoke louder than any words left to express.

I pray for peace,

Sandyz

previous - next