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6:16 P.M. - Tuesday, Jul. 10, 2007
To know the difference�
I have worked the last three days, 12-hour shifts. As each day passed I became angrier, hurt, over whelmed, tired as my body ached my heart followed. This morning I got up at 4am, left the house at six went to Wal-Mart (watching every dime I spent) off to get gas for the Blazer, (stupid high prices) and on to the dentist. I got home at 10:00 and listened to a message from my husband. Ugh�I decided to lie on the couch for a "few min" and wait for my daughter to call back. I woke up at 4:00pm. Still tired, emotionally and physically, then husband called back.

He is broke and wants to come home. He never asked for the money to come back he said he needed to come back and figure things out.

I was not a kind loving person. I don't know who it was that said the hurtful things over the phone. A part of me didn't care, a part was confused. Damn I am tired.

It is this way then that way, my mind on a continuing ride of emotions. The part of me that knows I need to leave here is forever thinking about all there is to do. So much to complete and consider as I make way for the journey before me as I have three inside cats that need to move with me. I have so much "stuff" that can either be sold or left behind. I need to organize, arrange and figure out how to make the 1000-mile trip. Then most important find a place before I get there that will take an application with "bankruptcy" attached to my request for a place along with three cats. I need time, time to complete all this with a demanding job I cannot cut lose of or I will not have the money to make this move.

I have been trying to pack things separating the "us" from me, so many blasted memories so many conflicting thoughts.

Every thing in me knows what I need to do while everything in me feels the loss. Only those that have walked the road will understand how difficult making the break is, as many well-wishers are foreign to the emotions of an enabler that I have been labeled as.

I feel no bitterness only a sadness that I have allowed myself to be trampled on for most my life. Life has been a series of choices, all mine to make yet I closed my eyes and stumbled along. Knowing�

I have been active in past years in the reverse of AA. I have the little book 12-steps, "One day at a time." My hand written note on the inside cover, "God grant me the Serenity to except the things I cannot change� Courage to change the things� and the wisdom to know the difference," reminds me of the path before me. Yet I find my steps faltering.

The past, present, and future will collide when one-day husband finds a way to return to close this chapter of his life. He has much to do, many things to sort through and organize. How much easier if I could find it in me to put up a sign�"for sale 17 years of life" and run like hell. However, the enabler in me cannot inflict more pain upon him that he has not already done to his self.

Each day, every heartbeat, dark shadows of the past intertwine with now. "Grant me the wisdom�"

Sandyz

 

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