10:01 P.M. - Thursday, Jul. 05, 2007
It's all good
My mind has been on the fritz for some time now, but being on my own, I have had the opportunity to think about what I want to do for the rest of my life. All my life I have thought about what was best for "all" of us, then my decisions were for "both" of us. This is the first time in my life I have been on my own.

Day after day, my mind has rehashed the past and anticipated what I want in the future. I have been all over the net looking up "hippy" retreats, Yoga retreats, thinking about invitations to live with friends, family, and chewing on what ifs. It isn't like I am a youngster but my life is my own now and I have been looking inward for the spark that would bring joy to my life.

My heart is pulling me towards the place that feels like home to me, where my children and grandkids are, back to the sunshine state.

My children have been my greatest joy and my deepest sorrow, no matter the road we traveled their growing up years were difficult at times but we made the best of what life handed us and remained close. My young age at having them allowed me to grow up with them, not always a good choice but I would not give up the past to have lost those wonderful but often trying years.

Our lives blew apart after my daughter lost her son, all of us needed the space to deal with our personal hell. One daughter joined the army to learn to stand on her feet, the mother of my grandson needed space to grieve without the pain of others to contend with.

My son lost himself in world that he will pay for many years to come. Time has allowed us one-step at a time to find the peace we needed within and never did we break the bond. We each continued to grow, except, and learn bad things do happen to good people. Although for many years we resided in separate states we all found a spiritual side within us that was so alike it was uncanny, our religious beliefs connected.

Over the last several years, paths have allowed my two my daughters to reconnect and again share their lives each on a separate path living close enough to share their lives.

Their pleas have grown louder as time has placed much sorrow in my life. There has been a void with me so far away and not being involved in their children's lives. My granddaughter has grown over the last 10 years into a beautiful soul, now she is expecting her first child.

I am going to be a great grandma; my heart is overjoyed for her happiness. I have decided to leave the Ozarks and find a place closer to my children and grandkids.

Thinking about this makes my heart sing, brings tears to my heart, and chills run along my soul. God only knows the bond we share, and I have longed for years wanting to be closer but not wanting to burden their lives with mine. I know my love is not a burden but a connection they long for as much as I do.

My oldest daughter has bought a new home and has a horse now. She has the love of horses I do and I would love to and share her world.

In the coming months I will sell all the things I will not need in a smaller place, a place of my own. They are helping look for a place close but not "on top" of their worlds, a home that I can share their lives with but live my own.

I am bound to this state until September 11th and during this time will tie up loose ends, seek employment on the net, finish getting my teeth fixed, and look forward to the day I see Welcome to Arkenhell in my rear view mirror.

I am glad I came here, I have learned much about life and myself; no journey in life is wasted. In addition, I am thrilled knowing I will be going back to where my heart belongs. Back to a world that holidays will no longer be spent alone, a place I can stand on the beach and feel small in a world that can be awesome when the heart is in beat with the life around you.

As far as hubby, he called and wanted to come "home." I told him he could have this place on the mountain, which I will be leaving sometime in September. He longs to get back together and again share a life. Right now, I haven't a clue if he will ever be a part of my life again. I will not be an enabler any longer I will not support him. He needs to search deep within himself and find what I finally did; a place that feels like home.

I do know my daughters enough to know if my husband someday moves to Florida and he even tries to act as he did here they will send him flying.

In truth, I cannot see my husband living in the sunny state his roots are the mountains. I pray he will find peace here or wherever he finds himself in the future.

Right now it is my life I am taking charge of; I feel it is about time.

I also know when my son is given a new start in life he will have a family that loves him and we will do all we can to help him start over again. He will be welcome with open hearts. Any trips taken to visit him maybe we will take together. We have all grown and to come back to full circle and start new, for me this is where I will find the peace that has eluded me for so many years.

It's all good, I feel it.

Sandyz

previous - next