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10:33 P.M. - Monday, Jul. 02, 2007 He is drinking non-stop while driving around the little town he grew up in. He got in an argument with a clerk about how she fixed his hotdog. I don't know why this brought tears to my eyes. He has been drunk during our marriage; even as it escalated he never drove while drunk, I was the designated driver. This is close to the little town my grandsons life was cut short by a driver under the influence; what if he hurts someone now, my heart is heavy. His mother and dad live there, I feel sorry. What king of example is he setting for his children and grandkids he longed to be near? I have heard he has not taken a sober breath from the time he got to PA, which might be reason his contacting me has been but two brief conversations. He wanted to know if I had done any thinking about what I wanted. "Not life as it was with me working myself to an early grave, while you sit here and drink." was what I said. I haven't heard from him after that, over a week ago, not what he wanted to hear I suppose. I feel I failed, at what I don't know or why I feel this way. I feel sad for a lost soul I couldn't reach. I canceled our Bankcards to our joint account. He having the card was for him to deposit money to pay half the bills when he found work, silly me for believing. I had already opened a new account under my name and a savings, but belief kept that joint account open with limited funds. Trust is gone. I was off three days and my mind wandering all over the place. I did a few things around here, burning trash, learning to drive the riding mower, organizing a few things, but most of the time I slept. It was raining and dreams were better than my reality. I didn't leave the house I wanted to hide out here�thinking, just my thoughts my cats and me. Today I felt more alive, I entertained the hopes he might have a job and was going to follow through with his promise to help me financially until decisions concerning this house could be made, he wanted to keep it so bad. I felt so strongly that was why he had not called to see if I were still alive, he wouldn't know, no one would. Just as I was filling the hummers feed for the night his mom called. Her heart is broken, all she hears of the son she couldn't wait to see is how he is drinking and making a fool of himself allover town. If the drinker could see outside the bottle, he might see that his pain has become painful for everyone that loves him. Another step, I can do this. He is no longer my beneficiary�next in a few days I will cancel him from my work insurance. I can take only one breath at a time. Life has again buried me beneath the sands of time; I'm digging out now�digging. Sandyz
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