10:36 A.M. - Monday, Jun. 18, 2007
God Speed
He is off selling his guns, not all but many of them; I know what they mean to him. He calls them his "boy's" although I never could understand this because when I met him he had accidentally shot himself and was recovering still needing the use of a cane. He died during the airlift to the hospital. God gave him a second chance skilled paramedics saved his life. The bullet was a through and through, nicked every major organ in his body. His scar runs from his chest down past his belly. Still he loved those guns.

He sold his tractor; I know what it meant to him, he would lose himself driving around on that ole "H" watching the world around him lost in nature's wonders. He loves the earth working to create beauty within the untamed land we lived on before and again now. He was moving earth to make layers and placing large rocks along the edges, he dug a pond him seeing a lovely pond that now settles quietly filled with muddy water, a project unfinished.

He cut through dense wooded areas making paths down to the bluffs another dream of building a log cabin the only reminder is stacks of wood he had cut and left to weather.

I know him, his demons, his joys, I know what makes him smile what brings tears that causes his eyes to turn from me. I know the love he has for his family and wonder at times what might be if he had not suffered every parent's nightmare, the loss of a child.

He has no more imperfections than I each our own burdens, losses, but some how we over looked it and we built a life over the last 17 years, fifteen of those years as husband and wife.

Over the last several years, we have stood in defiance of each other in separate corners of our battleground. I had stopped smoking he increased his intake. I all but stopped drinking his became an everyday escape. I worked too much he worked to little. I longed for joy in life with out the alcohol his life lived in the bottle. I wished to visit new places he found solace only here at home on the mountain. He retreated from every one I loved here; he stared out the window living life through memories of long ago.

He longed to be close to his northern family, I longed for my children in the south, there was no meeting ground. My losses compounded his; we understood each other's pain but cannot heal the other.

He will be leaving tomorrow while I am at work. My heart is heavy; I feel the familiar weight of loss looming. My children do not know, as I have not wanted to burden their lives with mine.

I have found it almost impossible to be in contact with those I love as I hold grief in one hand, faith in the other. I pray they understand these first steps I have chose to take alone, I feel a tiny bit of comfort in my aloneness.

God speed my husband Don, angels will watch over you and help heal your heart, and I wish you peace.

Sandyz

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