12:08 P.M. - Thursday, Jun. 14, 2007
I am not afraid anymore
My dairy is private now and most likely will remain this way. I feel it was the best move due to many changes in my life. It has been difficult to express my thoughts over the last few weeks but as time moves forward, I plan to write this chapter of my life for motivation, inspiration, and healing.

There is no reason to take backward steps and write about what he said, I said. The important thing is to move forward and keep things in perspective. Set new goals, and move on, what is done is done.

I believe my lack of positive thinking was fear of, the future, what ifs, the disaster that I saw as I looked around.

My surroundings seemed forbidding, a home under construction and the ungodly mess that goes with it, the acres of land that I will now be in control of, panic found a foothold.

The house inside, haphazardly kept up from February when I took a fall to now. Healing from back surgery has been slow, I started back to work to soon physically and mentally.

Having to file bankruptcy took its toll taking me to that dark place depression. The last two days were meetings with our lawyer and court. Although we are able to keep our home, and Blazer, the emotional side was devastating.

After months of verbally fighting, we had come to an agreement we would be civil to each other until my husband could take what he wanted and leave. He made the decision on the 22nd of last month to go back to PA. At first it was to be a "vacation" to visit family. When I was unable to get a release to go back to work, I pleaded with him to seek employment, his last job ended on the 21st. Bitterness set in and he after several weeks of drinking, sitting around brooding, he made the decision to go back to PA and work. Financial disaster forced us into filing bankruptcy now life-changing wheels were in motion.

I was released to work the 5th of this month, he has sat around doing nothing. More arguments took place, as I was unable to go back to my once heavy workload. Even with bankruptcy looming, my income is all we have.

Too much happened, as some days were good most were bitter, our life together was ending. He made another decision to leave and return to his home state for good. Still he took no action to make this possible, no money to fix his truck, no money for the trip. I continued to explain to him (with bitterness) that I did not have it in me to work enough hours to help him.

Last night as one might say, "The shit hit the fan" he got the stuff to work on his truck and he thought a buyer for one of his tractors. He came home after court and decided to take a "nap." I again pleaded with him to fix the stupid truck and place an ad in the paper just in case his "purchaser" made the decision not to buy the tractor. Angry words again filled this place when he said it was to hot outside to work on his truck.

During the evening he did nothing to start repairs on the truck, he called the person that he had felt would get the tractor. Nope, the man dealt with a different model. By then it was too late to place the ad.

Fixing dinner I took a fall in the kitchen, I was angry upset and tired of worry. I was lucky I landed on my hip and not my back still it was painful.
He slammed banged around as if put out by me again falling although he did ask if I was ok.

This morning I woke up at 4:30am to him yelling for me to get up so I could go to work. I couldn't wake up from the fog and he continued to try waking me until I finally got up at 5am. I then got the phone and called off work, I knew my back wasn't hurt but my hip was aching and I had no desire to work.

He went back to bed at 6:30.

I decided I wanted to set up my little pool I set up every summer. I don't have much free time and with my love of the water I find comfort within this little pool, it is large enough to put a raft in it. With eyes closed I could be in a river, the lake, the sensation is the same so on busy days for an hour or so and feel relaxed with a little dip.

It took me 4 hours to lug it out of the shed, place protection on the ground and hand blow it up with a silly little hand held pump. He had always done this for me with his air compressor in a matter of minutes.

What I realized this morning looking at this place in a new perspective was that it wasn't so scary, I can do things it will just take me longer. I enjoyed my time while he slept, no bitter thoughts just a feeling it was all going to be ok.

He got up at 10:00 and now it is 12:30, almost the same time that yesterday he couldn't work on his truck�too hot.

I asked him what he was going to do now that he had no buyer, no money, and his truck still in desperate need of repair. He said he was still leaving but there was this little problem with money to get him back home.

I told him I'm sorry he would have to figure that out for himself. First, fix the truck, and then just go. I reminded him he had family; he could ask someone to help him get home.

He wants to help me first.

(What?)

I told him not to be concerned about me, I'll be fine, I might not get things done as fast as I once could but I wasn't afraid to try anymore.

I feel if he is going to leave just do it, get it over and let me be.

I am ready to start this new journey, even knowing there will be many hurtles to climb, countless tears, and most difficult 17 years of "us" to let go of. But at this moment I am thinking about that little pool.

Sandyz

previous - next