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11:41 A.M. - Saturday, May. 19, 2007 After drifting thoughts concerning those that manage to cope, I allowed myself to see our situation in a clearer light. I do realize not all people think or act alike this I suppose is what makes life a fascinating journey. Our life here in the Ozarks has been one catastrophe after other from the time we left our little farm back "home." PA is my husband's home state, and for many years I felt so much apart of the little community we lived in. Oh there were problems per se all mostly boiled down to lack of finances. After all, between us we had eight children, not an easy walk through life, but a wonderful one in retrospect. We experienced every parent/grandparents worst nightmare, the loss of a young life taken in the blink of an eye. I had nine precious years with my grandson and for that we feel blessed. From then on our life, our family was never the same. Everyone drifted away dealing within their own time of sorrow. We made the choice to sell our farm and move as the burden of loss was felt in every breath around us. My greatest regret is we left behind our horses not realizing at the time they were the very thread that held me together during times of grief. After our move here, nothing worked as we envisioned, it felt at times the God I believe in had stayed behind. I realized long ago that was ludicrous thinking but during times of sorrow, nothing feels real. Over the years here our existence became a lonely one, little by little the "us" began to unravel without either of us knowing it was happening. I buried all pain deep within my heart and I feel certain my husband did the same. Work here was a nightmare for my husband who was use to feeling like one of the best in his line of work to feeling he was old and not useful anymore. This amplified after surgery on his shoulder. Then in an instant as if a cruel joke was once more played, a call one January night unleashed hell on earth for my husband His first born had lost her life, the questions surrounding around her death elude us even today. No one knows for certain, with us being over a thousand miles away once we came home from the funeral all correspondence was phone calls. Many other set backs have caused our life together to grow bitter, again finances being top dog. Rolling my Blazer, and having back surgery over the last few years and my husband fighting to find work has all contributed to even more money woes. Our lives more distant when we talked it became harsh angry words. We suffered yet another loss during the mix, my son. It was a different type of loss as he is still alive, but his life is something neither my husband nor I can talk about. Thoughts I have are buried within the moving sands of time, some I am grateful for others I grieve when I dwell upon the now. During this time I have been off, I have done well with positive thoughts, working on rebuilding a life with my family and husband. My work had stolen my time I wanted to make up for part of it. However, the lack of finances forced us to making another life altering choice and the lowly thread that bond us broke. We are now standing on separate paths, neither taking a step to distance ourselves but neither knowing what to say that hasn't been said. Silence is our companion. After reading an e-mail sent to me I realized now is not the time to force change, now is the time to allow each day to unfold and see where the drifting tides of life take us. I have no expectations at this moment. While talking a few nights ago with my husband he told me he didn't know how he felt about anything anymore, truth is, neither do I. Sandyz
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