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12:10 P.M. - Monday, Nov. 06, 2006
Counting�
To day was the first day from the time I got back from Florida that hubby has worked on a day I am off. I feel terrible because I like the alone time, I don't miss him today.

I started my morning reading Diaries, looking through e-mail then went to work on my November novel. I took a break from the computer and did more house cleaning than I have done in weeks, it felt good. The place looks nice.

I popped in a Bruce Springsteen CD and sang along.

I still have more time left of the day, time to separate some pictures, write my son, and get back to my novel.

I find myself ever so often looking out the window expecting my hubby to come walking through the field to our house; he has this tendency to make his workday short. I feel bad hoping he stays at work so I can enjoy a day, I suppose in part because for so long now his depression has become mine. The difference is he is self-employed and can choose his time away, my days of longing to hide beneath the blankets are ruled by the time clock at work.

The dust has settled here on home front but two different individuals have emerged, we are seeing from entirely different perspectives. The rustle of changing winds is between us, we are not the same. A death in the family can do that�so I hear and now feel as though I am living it. I feel sadness but have no plans to make any harsh decisions, change is happening between sunups and downs. There is nothing to do but continue to count day-to-day blessing and wait to see when winds of change will force us from our little nest. No more wondering it has been handed to the waiting.

I talked to hubby, the love is there, both sides of the candle still lit, we both care. His words were not surprising though, I have felt them for some time now, Sometimes I don't care about any thing anymore.

I recall that commercial, "Who does depression hurt?" I hear it during awake sleep that often robs me of a peaceful night. And yes�he is receiving professional help for dealing with loss. The rest is up to him, his faith in himself and the "want" to move forward when life kicks us in the as* and we chose to lay there. We have only so much influence over some one elses actions before we for our own sake must walk ahead.

That is where I am now�walking, not too fast, and I keep looking back. I can no longer be responsible for his debts, the price too high and I keep hoping, wondering, praying and just counting�counting�

Sandyz

 

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