10:28 P.M. - Tuesday, Sept. 05, 2006
Planned Trip to Florida a bust
I lost the race against time. I don't even know how that was possible, but it happened. I figured it out a few nights ago and was in denial; today I was going to work another day of over time then go to my Yoga class. After my 16 hour shift last night I took a few moments and did quick calculations and reality hit, not possible.

I didn't work today and stayed home from Yoga class, been kind of numb all day. Tried too sleep but couldn't, then I tried to get the energy to clean, not interested.

How did this happen when I have put everything into making a simple vacation become a reality?

Stars didn't line up, bad karma, I didn't do enough, wasn't meant to be, shit just happens?

What ever the cause my trip to Florida is no longer a choice, bills are left unopened, bank account in a mess, our busted water pipe costs us three normal months water bill in one, hubby's work fell through those stupid cracks one at a time. If I could ever locate those cracks things keep disappearing in we'd be rich.

Name it and I believe it whacked us upside the head last month, the month before that�

The good thing that happened was there was no shortage of over time for me at work, wow, lucky me. How did that work for me�just ducky?

I am stressed, tired, hurt like hell, and all for nothing. No tears came, just this numb feeling, like what's the use trying?

I know this sounds negative but I can find some humor in it, somewhere�hum�I'll let you know when it dawns on me, what absurdity I find.

I talked to one of my girls this afternoon, hardest thing I have done in a long time. The other was not home and I didn't want to leave a message. I didn't try tonight just too down in an odd sort of way.

What now I ask myself�well I am backing off some of the over time. I'll stay with 48 to 50 hours a week, no more 60 plus hours, not worth it. I'll cancel my vacation at work and continue to sweep up the mess we created. It will all be cleaned up one day and I can plan again.

I'll never stop dreaming, or stop trying to capture those imaginings and never let a kick in the ass send me to the ground. I'll keep going as always, sit on the porch and count blessings. I do have many and will cling to them for as long as I have breath within me.

Better days are some where out there�some where, I have to believe this.

Sandyz

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