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5:35 A.M. - Saturday, Jul. 22, 2006
This road
This road with a substance abuser I have lived before, just thinking about it makes me ill.

My ex-husband came back from Viet Nam all messed up, he was a drug user and often lost his mind and physically abused me. I was married to him for 15 years and we had three kids. One night I couldn�t take it any more and packed the car the kids, and ran for my life planting roots in a new state where I knew no one hoping the kids and I would be safe. I would often think I saw my ex walking down the road and almost run the car off the road. With the grace of God and many wingless angels I was able to get a good job and raise my kids and start a new life.

My fear of my ex over the year�s diminished and one day I called my mother in-law and told her where I had been. I loved her as she was like a second mother and best friend to me, I was married when I was 17, and she became my mentor. She remained in my life as a friend after the kid�s dad and I divorced and my life moved onward. She remained a major person within my life until the day she passed away, breast cancer taking her life.

After her death the gloves between my ex I and came off as the one thing we really shared besides our kids was the love for his mother. We are friends (from a distance still today) because I hold no hostile feeling for all the years I had to raise the kids myself with never a dime of child support. He still has his binges, when he goes off and no one knows where he is, except he is �high� that no one doubts. He too remarried the same year I married this husband of mine. Neither of us had any more kids, I didn�t want any, he didn�t either. He had his new wife get her tubes tied before he would marry her. She never had a child; my ex was and still is a controlling man.

Seven years after my flight I met my husband I am married to today. I knew he drank allot but he was so kind to me. Never a cross word, never using his fists. His wife had left with another man years before and he was supporting his five kids. He had been shot in the chest, an accident, and some how he survived after the bullet grazed all major organs in his body, a through and through. I was introduced to him during his recuperation time from a friend of mine. We dated for almost two years before getting married and merging our two families. That was 16 years ago.

I saw a sign as time went on that alcohol was a major player in his life but some how he managed to work his ass off and between the two of us raised our family. Looking back I see because of his kind nature even when he was drinking I stuck my head in the sand. When we lost my grandchild he was the rock I clung to. That was 9 years ago.

I suppose moving to a new area and his work being slow and mine being a mass of long hours reality has sunk in. I again married a substance abuser. His demon is alcohol. With the kids all grown and moved away it is him and I face to face.

As far as regrets about leaving the kids dad, I had many for years. I too had felt I lost my soul mate; he was my child hood love and still to this day I have never lost a love/bond we shared. I wanted so badly for our marriage to work. Down deep I know for my sake and my children I made the right choice.

Making the same choice to leave again, start new and bringing with me years of debt is haunting. I am not afraid of change but the thoughts at my age to run off in the night are less intriguing.

For now I ponder all I have learned about myself and others throughout my life time here. Lord knows I have learned much but still the lessons are hitting me right to left.

My husband just lost his daughter, I understand grief, so I am hesitant to walk away without really looking at all options.

I ponder many times this thought�life is not all about me.

Still wavering still pondering what ifs and always thinking.

Sandyz

 

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