11:29 A.M. - Friday, Jul. 07, 2006
All is silent beneath the walls
I came home from work last night and hubby was asleep; it didn't take long to realize he had passed out as liquor bottles were left lying on the kitchen floor next to the trash. I suppose when the beer ran out he found another means to silence his anger, his grief.

My plan was to get up this morning and return to work at this time my refuge from the storm of life. I slept through the alarm and 12 hours later woke up, many strange dreams filled the night. I can't recall them.

A family member called my hubby and tried talking to him; it appears during the last few days he has found solace not only in the bottle but by making calls to family members from other states. Now many are alarmed and concerned. I haven't a clue what was said to him as he is silent lost in thoughts sitting at the table, at least it is tea he is drinking not booze.

Last night before I had the chance to get a bite to eat and settle the house before going to bed he woke up and fumed about not having decent transportation and me having a newer Blazer. He was angry I hadn't stopped and bought him cigarettes on my way home. He was angry due to lack of funds and feels "trapped" he can not make the 1,000 mile trip to get his revenge. Last night if I could have coughed up the money he needed he would be on his way today. A part of me wants him to leave; I am so tired at this point aloneness would be a welcome relief.

If he could be close to his family I feel just maybe their love could help guide him through this tragedy my words it appears are fruitless. Faith has been whisked away from him as it were but a carpet under his feet. Without faith he is stumbling around in the dark, I know this as I was once there.

What tomorrow or even today will bring I haven't a clue; still numbness holds me captive. No words are left to be said the decisions to be made are his alone, I feel nothing.

As I sit within the rubble of the last few days I ponder thoughts what if he does leave. I feel a peace within me knowing I will be fine, he will be fine. Maybe this is the end of a long journey we have taken together just maybe we will both find the peace we so long for.

I have the strength to endure what ever road leads us to the future, together or apart I will make the journey one step at a time, knowing we are never alone.

Sandyz

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