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1:24 P.M. - Thursday, Apr. 20, 2006
Template change/Ponderings of the heart
As much as I hate to, I must take my new template down and work on it. Some readers view it in an odd way depending on their browser and some see nothing but a black screen. I have had work done on it but so far no avail.

Although this saddens me I do love this template and it will be fine until I have a chance to get all the little bugs worked out of my new one.

Those that have been reading my words understand what I refer to when I write about how the pain of loss comes in many forms for many of us. There are days I fall to my knees asking why I have been given too much, then a memory of another soul that has been through the depths of hell in this life and stayed strong. I stand again cursing my weakness. I despise my pleas of "why me" when so many others have endured far more than I.

I am reminded of many blessings and stand before God not wanting to question how freewill plays into each life. The human heart feels heavy in ones chest at times and aloneness finds a way to capture us even in crowded rooms. Tears are capable of falling sight unseen but felt within our essence.

I want to ask for help as I gaze to the skies, but for what? Strength I suppose to keep walking and not grow weary with the burdens of past and present coming into play.

I am tired some days not even wanting to get out of bed; I want to lie within the comfort of the downy soft blankets and pillows that surround me. I want to disappear in the soft fur of my cat. I want worries to be non existent. Just for a day, one day that is all.

I want to cry a river of tears so I might swim to the heavens and look Him in the eye, or would I fall to the ground not worthy of His gaze?

I have faith but at times I feel it eludes me. I race within my soul to recapture the things I know but feel weary of the tears that fall without reason. I feel at times like the hammer of life is beating me into the ground but new roots continue to grow and again a flower within my soul will take a refreshed view of the sunlight.

I don't want pity, I don't even want to be understood, I don't understand this life we share and must continue to trust it is all for something.

May our justice system be righteous, may my son not fear his tomorrow, and might in some way his birthday fill his heart with all the love I felt the day he was placed within my arms and continues with every breath I take.

Sandyz

 

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