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5:42 P.M. - Sunday, Jan. 29, 2006
Sorting things out
This morning I wanted to break something, later I was in tears, took a nap with everything in tack, nothing found my wrath. Phew, the few things I have I like, don't want to self destruct trying to understand the unexplainable.

I had a good conversation read some diaries and slept again.

Now it is time to move forward, I can do this hubby will follow. I made him laugh by talking to him through our cat using this weird little voice. I love his laugh, his eyes become alive and I know he is there. Healing begins, hearts will heal. I know this road been down it myself as many of us have, still we move on. Life here on earth is for the living, if I stay bottled up I cannot love the gift of life I was blessed with. Therefore I will cease to live amongst the things I adore. Sunsets/sunrise, flowers in bloom, all Gods creatures, the essence all around me I feel, touch, and smell. I want to live along side not just a ghost of an observer.

Religion is a major player in the healing process for me; I find strength knowing the God I love understands and weeps with those of us that suffer the pains of living. I feel a sense of awe knowing this life in the flesh is a short journey in the grand scheme of our infinite life. I believe living here on earth is just a flicker of the candle that burns for eternity, as the soul moves on when the flesh is laid to rest.

Some call me a Christian; I refer to myself as spiritual as I have no concrete religious belief. All religions per say for me are correct in the hearts of believers or non believers. Our journeys may connect us although we are all on a separate spiritual path. Even those that congregate in the same church are on a journey of their own as no man/woman in the flesh knows another's heart. What face we show the world may not lay within the heart of our essence.

For me there is only The One that knows the soul we house and carry through this existence, no other may judge.

Within us all is who we want to be, who we wish others to perceive us, what we wish we could be, what we try to live up to in our expectations, and the us that dwells below the surface that no one truly knows or understands because in our thinking we are silent to the ears around us.

Sin is real to me as I have read the Bible and many other spiritual books. All man/woman is born into sin and no man/woman is without sin. We are in the flesh and therefore given the freedom of choice, our walk through life gives way to desires, greed, envy all the things that may lead us into temptation. For me this is the life of learning, every time I "sin" I have grown in spite of it, learned something about myself and may even fall victim again-and again. Lessons in this life do not end until our last breath of this life ends then understanding of what purpose we were here for is revealed. What happens then I do not know as I am still standing in the flesh, still a child of God. This is my thoughts.

Afterlife I know without a doubt exists, that's all I know for certain. Rather we return in human form again or move on to a higher spiritual realm is not for me to understand or know. It is our Lords plans not mine.

While reading a book author, Betty J. Eadie I was given a shutter shot view of heaven; at the time it was the most extraordinary experience I have ever had. It was during a time of profound grief and many might question the authenticity of this account. Not me, as I was there, not medicated, only feeling my faith was losing a foot hold within my essence. The memory has faded as years have dimmed the experience as with many other Divine Interventions I encountered over the years have also grown gray in color. When I question these happenings I feel a heightened sense of awareness from the one I call God as he ushers me back to His embrace.

We all can sense when we are loved, an unconditional love that has no boundaries when we believe and try with all our earthly flesh to walk with our Creator.

I feel that love today as I sit and type, just as I felt it the day I had the roll over accident. A warm embrace, no fear of death, and a split second of knowing this was not the end, but a beginning.

As I find comfort through mediation, prayer, and writing I feel upon me a smile as one would have for a child that has learned once again it is ok to fall, just wipe away the tears and heal. We are never alone, and always loved rather we choose to believe or not.

These are my thoughts only, helping me take the deep breaths of life and again embrace the gift of living.

Sandyz

 

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