8:43 A.M. - Friday, Nov. 11, 2005
Life is a cruel joke?
Each day after the accident, I found myself rolling farther down hill. (No pun intended) My mind was spinning on all negative thoughts playing the blame game with life's mysteries. I in turn sent out two e-mails both with wording that I was angry with God and life felt like a cruel joke. Both of these statements are so unlike what sits within my heart, dances in tune with my soul.

Both sent back replies and again I understand the concept wingless angels, they often help bring our spirits back into the sun. Depression is a dark and dangerous place for us humans to venture. The sooner we allow our minds to connect with our blessings thus taking us from the clutches of murky waters the quicker we will again see life as an awesome gift.

I have summed up my replies and decided to post them, in a way to give thanks for what I feel was a desperate wake call, and another to remind myself that personal ego can trap us in a dangerous spider web of life.

There are no cut and dry answers how or what makes our mind's tick. This we have control over, if we allow ourselves to think all negative we fall in a slump. Reverse if we look around and see the beauty.

I did find a good page on understanding head injury, at least I know some of my thought process might be in fact due to head trauma but I feel I am getting a bit too self-centered for my liking. I need to work on this.

I need to look at this time off being unscheduled time. I kept pushing myself to want to do the things I have neglected feeling this off time was a blessing. I couldn�t get past the feeling I should be doing something constructive or even writing, just something besides being a couch potato. Being a couch potato will be fine while I heal.

I don�t even know why I wrote that I felt life was a cruel joke, too many ponderings of what should I do now and feeling like doing nothing. Part of me feels like I was given another chance, I kept looking for reasons why.

Just live. Simple as that.

I don�t really believe we return to ash and poof all was for nothing. Life and death as well, is full of mystery, which is what keeps our hearts and minds open to endless possibilities.

I find peace within these lyrics: �The world owes us nothing�we owe each other the world� Another part, "What if no one's watching, what if when we're dead we are just dead? What if no one is looking down? What if they're looking up
instead?" Song by Ani DiFranco

I read a book called, The Reluctant Messiah, I loved that book and sent a copy to Silas; he said he has read it several times. Anyway in it there is a passage, if God said, �be happy� What would you do. That was all there was, just be happy.

Hum�Lord I don�t know. Now that is pathetic.

Some one asked me about a month ago if I could go back in time, what age or time in my life I would go back to. I did think for a moment and said, �right here.� If I hadn�t had all my yesterday�s behind me I wouldn�t be where I am today. If I could change anything, it would change every thing. This I do know.

Yes, life is a gift. So many memories, both happy and sad, one would not connect me to now if there were a slice removed.

A friend of mine wrote this and I was fascinated by it�

{�For me that opens up a playground of freewill. I can die a rich woman, I can die a popper, I can die addicted, I can die a free woman, I can die weak, I can die strong.. I don't really get to choose when I die. Death isn't failure. Simply because we die, simply because this flesh is finite, doesn't make things meaningless.�}

I love the concept of living life on a playground of freewill, makes life sound fascinating. Extra money would be nice only so the worries would stop but then again in my �play ground�, it is my choice to worry about senseless things or not.

I am not angry with God, that�s nuts. That is my self-centered ego shinning bright, feeling as if this life is about me.

I could die tonight, tomorrow and it is worth something. Every breath I have taken, every choice I have made has been worth time in the flesh.

The God I believe in owes me nothing, has promised me nothing, no more than I am willing to get out of life for myself. (Now that feels better)

No expectations from anyone accept me, and it is up to me to continue to live with passion using all the senses I was born with.

The morning of the accident, while I was traveling along the dirt road I witnessed the most breathtaking sunrise. I thanked God for such beauty, twenty minutes later I was in a ditch. No one was to blame but me. Had I died that would have been the last thing I saw, somewhat awesome when I think about it.

Sandyz

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