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12:42 A.M. - Tuesday, May. 10, 2005 Now what is this all about? At this moment, I have even entertained the notion of smoking. Nothing has triggered this, as I cannot even call it a craving. I feel the want to connect with a past moment in time. I do not feel threatened about this smoking idea dancing around in my head, as I know the thought will linger awhile and drift away like a puff of smoke. Tomorrow it may no longer even be a memory. My mood has been on this wonderful spiritual high over the last few weeks. I have dug my heels in the practice of changing my every negative thought. I feel as if I have been like the police watching for unwanted trespassers, stopping, and then directing them to another place. I have done very well at this and for the good of this action; I have deterred almost every pessimistic thought that tried to reach my brain. Now this void, this dark hole, this feeling like something is not connecting. Might it be like the process I went through when I first quit smoking? I wandered around in unfamiliar territory wondering what was wrong with me. Given time, I begin to enjoy that newfound freedom and as the journey began to unfold, and my steps became precise and steadfast. Now again I find myself on a slippery slope, the ground is not familiar and I feel again much out of sorts. Might this be I grew so accustom to thinking through darkness the bright light of positive thinking is trying to blind me, to deter my intention to better myself as a person. How easy it was to allow my mind to think I could read another's thoughts and feel as if I knew their every motive. I have been working on being rational and understanding this is not possible to know everyone's next step, reaction. Thus, I have been redirecting my thinking on a more spiritual level of awareness. This for me is treading new ground. I am learning everyday about myself and continue to read, and to write when my mind is not tossed around like a puzzle that has hit the floor and the pieces flying across the carpet. I believe the path I am on is a healthy and optimistic one. It may take time to begin to unravel the past, sit it aside while learning to redirect my thoughts. I feel at times when I start scratching the surface of a beneficial energy source I end up clawing my way into a cave. For a while, I find I am standing in the darkness searching for the light and very much alone. Then as I feel my way around, the light of knowledge burns bright within me and I can see an open hand beckoning me in the distance. The fear will fade and a new chapter will begin. At this instant in time, I am feeling my way around calling in the dark.
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