8:08 A.M. - Wednesday, Apr. 13, 2005
The power of love
It has now been 538 days that I have been nicotine free. Still I find this amazing. Smoking and I were like one, I identified myself as a smoker. I have for almost 20 years wanted to be free of the chains of smoking but never could get past the first several months, at the longest. Not smoking felt as though a part of me was missing, I felt this odd little void. One day almost a year and a half ago, I decided enough and went on a field trip across the net to find help to fight this addiction. Yes that is what I said "addiction"�what a horrifying word. Reading about nicotine addiction was the key that fit the lock on me deciding it was the quit door I was going through.

I could have never done this alone. Quitting smoking was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It was not one-day deciding ok I quit and that was it. Kicking ash was a process, a change of lifestyle, a self-discovery an awesome journey. It hasn't mattered what all has come my way both positive and negative over this quit time, smoking was not an option. I was done with inhaling poison gasses. Looking back, I cannot see if I had picked up one of my husbands smokes how one thing in my life would have been altered. Well, I would be a smoker wanting to quit smoking.

I had so much help along this quit path from a stop smoking program at ALA, and several stop smoking support groups. On one the support boards a few days ago, I saw a message from a special friend and mentor Zuzus-Petals about the awesome thing's about quitting. So many times, we read about the struggles and pitfalls about trying to adjust from the smoker's world to a non-smoking life. She wanted to hear some positive things experienced along the way.

I sat for a few min and thought about this. I wrote this thinking about everyone in my 3D and cyber world that has helped me remove the smokers mask and see through the fog.

Where I am right now in comparison to where I was over a year ago feels a million miles apart. Over the last months, I have had the opportunity to step back from my life and observe. I have questioned many of my moves along this path. I found many faults and jotted them down. When my notes became books in volumes I decided to start a fire, trash my past regrets and move on.

In my mind now, I think of something I might be doing that is in no way productive to the now and find a way to adjust my thoughts, my actions and reactions.

Although for years now I have known how fragile life is and known, I could take nothing from this life to the next I am now beginning to "get it". I am learning about me, I am making changes that affect others in negative ways. I am growing, just am I am growing older.

Most of all I am grateful I have been allowed to walk upon this earth for over 50 years now. I am grateful I can still see the sunshine, feel the cold bitter winds, hear the little peepers in the pond at night, touch the soft fur of my furry little friends, and now smell the first signs of spring in bloom.

It has not mattered what has saddened my heart at times, I continue to love this life we were given.

The greatest thing even above being able to say no to addiction is the opportunity to have met so many people that have helped me make the most wonderful and positive changes in my life. I have learned a lifetime lesson about the power of love.

Sandyz

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