|
|
6:40 A.M. - Saturday, Mar. 05, 2005 I was aware I was killing myself and wanted more than anything to be free from this horrible repetitive behavior. I tried on and off for over 20 years to put down the smokes and live as a nonsmoker. I can remember having to have a prescription for the nicotine gum, then came the patch by prescription only. I tried and failed during many attempts. A year ago October 23, I was sitting at my computer with my cigarette hanging from the corner of my mouth when I smelled death hanging before my eyes in the form of smoke. It was again I realized I had to quit. I took my smokes, tossed them on the table, and told myself, "enough!" I did not toss them out as I felt like I should being repulsed by them because my hubby is a chain smoker. It was my decision to quit just for me. I decided no nicotine aids; it was going to be just me against the demon called nicotine. After a few days' my mind started screaming give me a fix. I felt helpless against the call of nicotine, the urge too strong the call drowning out my rational thoughts. I was frantic and decided I needed help. Wondering where this "help" might come from I goggled in American Lung Assoc. Thinking if anyone might be able to assist me this was the place to go in cyber space. The first link I noticed on their home page was an on-line stop smoking program. This is something I had never done, followed a program or had a support group to aid in this process of eliminating the smoke screen from my life. I clicked on and read all about the program set up to help people kick butts. For a moment I was tossing the idea around in my addicted mind to start smoking again as the program is set up to pick a quit date three weeks in advance. Wow, I thought its ok to puff away another three weeks then I will quit. Reality sank in as I read that at 72 hours, the nicotine was out of your system but the real battle would begin, learning to live as a nonsmoker. Many people had quit smoking before finding this on-line program and followed it anyway. I became another of those quitters. Within the program, I found hundreds of people wanting to break the chains of addiction. I had never realized me as addicted to nicotine I thought I was weak and had a lack of self-control. I did not really understand being an addict or how to fight it. I read everything I could about smoking, nicotine and hundreds of stories of people in all walks of life trying to choose life by not smoking. What shocked me into a rage was reading Phillip Morris web site, they tell about the addictive nature in smokes and have programs to help people that become addicted. This is insanity! Sell a product that kills that manes and then add to your ad oh by the way�you might die along with thousands of others that used our product. Give us just a few puffs of your breath and we will take the rest from you a little at a time. Have a nice day. I was fighting mad and dug my heels in. I refused to allow my addiction to have one more feeding; I would starve it to death. Looking back over those 500 days I know this was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Quitting smoking is not just putting the smokes down and moving on through life. It is a process, a mind change, at times a lonely journey. You feel a loss, a part of your persona is missing, and your emotions are riding on top the waves of life. The smoke screen is gone the mask is gone. You deal with life with out the crutch in hand and learn to be a nonsmoker. Some people that have never smoked have a time relating to us new nonsmokers. Their lives were not intertwined for years around a death stick that felt at the time like a best friend, a comfort zone, a warm and cozy blanket. No matter what life tossed our way, we masked emotions, both positive and negative with a smoke. There are days when the thought of smoking drifts through my mind. Living with a smoker keeps this past life as a smoker up close and personal. I do not crave smoking anymore, I love being free from the ties, the bonds, the chains of addiction. There is one thing I continue to tell myself each day, "I am an addict, I am choosing not to smoke today. Tomorrow will take care of itself." (Words borrowed from Kevin at Woofmang.com "the Tales") I could not have taken this journey alone. I owe this quit to the Lung Associations on-line program; I owe this success story to the many cyber friends that joined me on message boards day after day giving and receiving advice. I belong to three support groups; little by little, I have drifted away from two of them as my journey in life has taken me in a new direction. One that needs my attention as the call of the demon is not even much of a whisper anymore. I have stayed at a distance from my favorite support group that has helped me live beyond the smoke screen. Time marches on and I again feel at a crossroad. This time I am standing with my back to the wind, the sun in my face and the smoke has cleared. A new era in my life is beginning and even at times with a heavy heart, I am free. My choice, my life my quit. Fightn addiction for one year, four months, one week, two days, 22 hours, 34 minutes and 22 seconds. Sandyz
|
