8:52 A.M. - Tuesday, Feb. 01, 2005
Broken Promice
I have been having difficulty sleeping lately thinking about my recent search for answers on how to forgive.

I decided to pack my tools and return to the site of my excavation this explore is not completed.

I woke up this morning at 2 am thinking about a broken promise I had made. It bothered me. I found my stomach becoming queasy and churning. I could feel emotions from the past flood over me my yesterdays surging with the present. I lie there thinking about this. Had I really forgiven myself for moving on with my life with disregard to a promise I made so long ago.

Now this may seem a bit trifle to some but the promise I made was to several magnificent horses from my last resident. I have found it very easy over the years to gather up the unloved, uncared for, mistreated and rejected animals that some how find me upon their path. I rescued several horses from certain death or mistreatment in the least.

I can recall the time's I held my arm across their manes stroking their necks while brushing out tangles. I would softly whisper in their ears that I would keep them safe always.

Several years ago, we bought land south and west of my hubby's hometown. We bought this place with more than double the acreage to have plenty of room to keep our equine. While standing on the earth up high within the mountains I could visualize the landscape and see a place for all our horses. I could picture the country home we would build; I stood there in the open field and felt within my soul this was the path God had placed before us.

The deal was made.

There is no reason to go back to the details of all the happenings that inadvertently created a tangled web before our move. I will say I do believe in Murphy's Law. Every thing we had planned collapsed all the things we did not anticipate happened.

I am sitting in a half built home so the story line has come to the now. Our field is barren of what we had intended to have racing free, flowing manes and tails set in motion with the wind. My promise broken when unforeseen decisions had forced our backs to the wall.

Some days I sit out on the porch and watch the wild life wander upon their place on the mountain that we invaded. They were here first, we just settled among them. I feel at peace at times knowing the Lord has given me visual of the hoofed animal kingdom as herds of deer run free.

Still I cannot forget the promises spoken in love for those we left behind. I do not intentionally bring up thoughts of the past. They hover over me at times when I am not prepared. I dream of them, my horses. A part of me knows as years replace my youth there is a time to let go and move on to a more logical life. Distance becomes father to fall from, bones more likely to break. Age has its price.

There is not time to replace all we had spent years building to accommodate the animals from another time and place. The continuing ticking of time has brought us almost six years to this place. Our goal still stuck in finish the house mode.
I feel as if that era of my life has blown away with the wind. I am thankful I was able to live within that dream for so many years. Not always with out the heartbreak of life moving forward. Life has its price.

Now that I see these words, I feel it is past time to let go and forgive myself for events that took me in a direction of a guarantee not kept. At the time I breathed in the scent of our livestock, the promise was sincere.

The depth of forgiving is deep on this one, to forgive myself, by understanding this was the way a part of life played out. To forgive my husband he did not set out to eliminate a very important part of our past. In addition, God, to forgive him for not making it more clear the sacrifices we would encounter upon arrival of a new life.

Now to count the many blessings that flow through my life as I step into a new day.

Sandyz

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