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7:46 A.M. - Wednesday, Jan. 26, 2005 I settled back one day looking at all the bones I had uncovered concerning my quest to understand how to forgive and who. Every time I mentally listed someone I felt I needed to forgive, I would find that they wound link to a much bigger part of my life. How could I justify feeling anger towards someone along my walk through life that had brought me inadvertently where I am today? When I removed the anger the act of forgive was not needed. When I searched through the pile of stones I had uncovered, an intense burning anger I felt I had been feeling for years towards our merciful Lord. I was astonished. It was then I felt myself drifting on a billowing cloud. I was seeing my life below me, the anger that festered from my being. The sadness cast darkness that once light shone through. I was sitting alone in the center of an enormous pasture captured by my own pain. I brought this all upon my self over the years and I was consumed by self-pity, self-loathing. Years of living had somehow brought me to this field with no more answers, only anger. I needed to forgive, this I knew sitting on the cloud that oh so gently glided me above my person. I could see beyond my life form the many paths that I had traveled. Upon each pathway, I could see a shimming light that forked; the way I chose to travel was marked in red. My lifeblood spilled upon the trails of life. I could see mountains, valleys and rivers seeming now from this distance to large to cross. Still the footsteps that marked my life went on past the raging waters. I could see the faces of hundreds of people I had met during my travels through life. Memories exploded with each passing face within the mist of time and how each encounter was a stepping-stone to the now. The imagines that angered me had a path behind them that spun out beyond my vision. A path before them I was not given sight to. They were taking their own personal journey and my experience with them only a footprint in the never-ending passage of life. I could see where many people had walked the same path with me, left and at another point in time walked again my path. This journey did not end when a footprint was on longer upon the path of life. I found myself not back at the site of my dig for answers, but in the meadow, in the now. I am sitting here realizing that for me there is no one to forgive. Except myself. This is my journey in life and every step I have taken has been of my choosing. Events that have surrounded me during my life have their own trails before and behind them. My life is a complex design that never stops changing with every breath I take. I cannot find reason to forgive another being for walking their passage in life. It is how I have chose to react, interact, or walk away that has brought me to this moment. Without each encounter, I would not be where I am today. While wondering if I should be asking the Lord to forgive me for feeling such a backlash of anger towards HIM up to this moment in my life, while not being consciously aware of it, I think not. I believe HE is not looking at my existence as the solitary person sitting in the middle of a pasture. I consider our Lord sees a soul that has again woke up and prevailed. He knows yet another of his creations has stood again, dusted off, and is placing footprints on their path in life. Within me a heart as light as the clouds that drift above.
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