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2:10 P.M. - Wednesday, Jan. 12, 2005 To begin to dig up bones and uncover the treasure of the past I will start my dig with the simple tools. During this process of discover I hope to shed light from within to cast even a shadow on a solitary act of forgiveness. One shovel at a time. I see the grains of earth have uncovered an act of viciousness, as I shift the soil away I have uncovered what appears to be the result of a spiral effect. A series of missteps, mine, linked together during the passage of time. Through this, another life has made the conscious choice to take bits of my mistakes and others, joining with them even more of their own. Inadvertently a life I cherish is headed for what appears to a road to misery. There comes the time while moving forward in the journey of life the quagmire of the past keeps us from moving on. We begin the slow process being swallowed by past mistakes. We are literally drowning in regret. To move on and start taking those steps, part of the process is to reach out and grab hold of forgiveness. How do we do this? Where is the beginning and the end? Our lives are woven together by the webs in which so many days/years have spun together. Each voice heard each word that escaped our lips, each step we took has brought us to right now. This moment. Even as I type the letters on the page, everything is in perpetual movement. Always going forward, nothing can back track, not a breath, not a step. Looking back can be painful as we see the path right or wrong that we already chose. No amount of will power can take us back one second in time. We may relive each moment in thought. We can change it every time we recall a past moment. We can alter it to soften the blow or exaggerate it to continue to beat our earthly selves to death. Still we sink; backing up is not an option. Moving on is a choice, or we can stand right here and sink, decay, rot, and life will move on without us. The moon will cast its eerie glow across the night; sunlight will follow, and tick tock time keeps its steady rhythm regardless of how long we choose to stand in the swamp of remorse. Forgiveness of ones self is the first step to moving on in this earthly life. To stand in silence and reflect back to each fault and think I forgive myself, is ludicrous. Believing I am human and allowed to fall down, make bad choices, and make a blasted mess of the wonderful gift of life I was given, and except it, then I have learned something. Is it worth it when others take parts of my life and mold them to their own allowing their life to falter? I can answer my own question by knowing my faults are my own. There came a time I was able to break the bonds of my young past and mold my world to suit myself. Mistakes and all. There should come a time in most people's life when their actions or behavior does not reflect the past. We should be able to forgive our own inadequacies and in doing so realize we all are at blame one time or many. Always hoping each time, we learn to forgive ourselves and take a laden step out of the bog of life that another soul will find their way to forgive us for what they might feel a misdeed done to them. The spiral continues to twist as each moment passes. While trying to understand the depth of forgiveness the spiral in my life has loosened the death grip. Ever so gently, the coil is unraveling. This process is freedom. As I sift through the sands of time, I will continue to explore the very basic, "how to forgive." I look forward to each new discovery I will find within myself. The answers are all out there. I'll keep searching, and always writing about what I find. Sandyz
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