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1:00 A.M. - Friday, Oct. 15, 2004
The Dream
I dreamed the other night I was not good enough to go to heaven. Why would anyone dream such a thing? I understand we say it a lot, �go to hell,� etc. I�m sure you get the picture. But dream it such a personal level, this had me bothered. Why would I dream me, myself was not good enough? I also dreamed that I told my self, �oh yes I was.� Then I woke up. What�s that suppose to mean, wake up. It was 3:00 in the morning and I was awake. I recall wondering where the dream interpreter was. I didn�t think to make my request to heaven, as I believe my destination was in question.

This incident had me questioning my faith. I made a mental search of the go directly to hell things I�d done, ouch! I quickly switched gears to nice things I�d done. Well I finally settled on the list wonderful and great things I plan to do and say. Yes, that was good. Still I felt a little unsettled, as though someone had called me up, said �your not good enough,� and hung up. All my questions were bouncing around with out a receiver. The harder I tried to convince myself I was an ok kind of person the worse I felt about myself.

AS I reviewed all the mistakes I�d made I realized that it seemed as if my life had been one misstep after another. I could see I stumbled and fell, turned left when I should have turned right, gave up when minutes later everything would have been alright. I began to wonder what was wrong with me. I�d been given this wonderful opportunity to live and I managed to mess it up. Before I completely immersed myself in self pity it accrued to me my questions about faith was good. Without inquiry there would be no answers. I felt calmer. I recalled I had stumbled and fell, now I was standing. As best I could surmise although I�d taken many a fall I had always gotten up. Happy to note at the moment I�m still standing. I had begin to feel better about my life. True it hadn�t gone the way it could have, but it was my life and I was learning.

I think sometimes we are to hard on ourselves, I bet there are not very many of us that review our lives and look back saying, �Hey that was good,� or �Suites me I�m satisfied.� We want more from ourselves, we see clearer looking back than we do along the way. I started smiling. I felt like laughing at how unnerved I�d been over a silly dream. Not good enough to get into heaven, how absurd. A little explaining and I feel confident I�ll make it, although begging is an option. For today I�m going to brush off the worry and move forward. I will remember to give thanks for what I have been blessed with.

Note: �Giving thanks,� falls under the list: Wonderful and great things I plan to do and say.

Sandyz

 

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