Get your own
 diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries newest entry

11:27 P.M. - Monday, Oct. 11, 2004
A \"place\" far away
Inspired by zuzus-petals

During ping pong e-mail correspondence�s with a cyber friend of mine zuzus-petals read a short story I had written years ago. She zipped the message back to explain why I had written the piece I had sent. This was odd. No one had asked me to explain my rather odd at times writings. I know what every sentence means to me. Some is very deep rooted in the core of my life. And now someone had asked me to explain my mind set.

I had to reread the essay and find that zone I was in during the time I wrote it. Sometimes my writings are like time travel for me. I can go back to another point in time feeling the words I have covered the pages with.


Weird as it might sound I go into a foggy place and let my mind descend when I write about emotions. I used to tell people in our writers group, I at times go so deep I am not sure where I am or if I am capable of finding my way back. Becky a writer friend in PA asked me to please not take her with me.

As far as the origin of the work I was in a mood�very weird. It was a few years after we had a sudden tragic loss in our family. A few other heartbreak�s had hammered us and I was feeling quite tired of life in general.

I bounced the thoughts of suicide about in my mind. My beliefs are not one certain etched in stone only one form of you must believe this or you�ll go to hell.

I have an open spiritual belief that runs the middle road. How can one believe all religions are right? Well I do, until I get a personal visit from Our Savior or die how in the world I can judge another mans belief in a God called by another name. I feel no conflict with the way other people believe. If some one thinks it�s a sin to cut their hair or not work on Sunday�ok I think that�s their belief.

Mine beliefs come from within, all formed by all the biblical things I have read over the years or feelings that come from within. I am sorry to say I am not a steady church goer. I have been to many but when something doesn�t feel right I search again. Been searching for a long time, and so I continue to feed my spiritual side with Yoga, nature, and many books including the Living Bible. Talking to God feels right.

I don�t believe suicide is the way for me to end my life. So I got to thinking about what a life would be like without feeling any emotions.

I sat down to write about where it was my mind was going to explore thinking of life as being lived in a vacuum. Empty of all sentiment.

In the beginning I felt I was at a cross roads�looking into the abyss. I found my writing directing me towards a huge rock formation. Standing at the end of a cliff to me is like making a major decision, hummm jump? Leap of faith? Something new?

It places me where I can look out over Gods magnificent creation and feel in awe of the miracles of life.

I was thinking about on one hand per say the great things I had been through in life�the other hand all the sadness and grief and very stupid mistakes I have chose..

I felt in order to rid them of my being I must merge the two. When I did it felt mentally like a firework of explosions. The grinding of gears when something is coming to a sudden stop.

Falling for me is a metaphor, a mind trip within my mind. I went to this place where I felt no emotions. Neither sadness nor joy only neutral feeling�s with only a glimpse of my life minus the emotion that accompanied it.

Little crystals that drifted before my eyes I felt were part of my soul/spirit that dances within us. I believe our spirits are child like, they love adventure and drive us at times to do what we are intended to do in life. When I feel this laughter and feeling of joy coming from within I wish I could let that little person out� I think it�s my soul/spirit. That part of us knows our creator and all the answers us mortals do not comprehend. I think when we are true believers and turn away from God, as I did after the death in our family, the Lord speaks to our souls.

We may abandon Him when our faith is shattered but He never leaves us. The sands/crystals signify this in the story. They are apart of me but at that time I had disconnected myself from them. They never really left me.

The roads I traveled were some of my real life experiences, the grave yard�the mountains and my absolute love of the animal kingdom. In this � place� I wrote about, I saw these things but felt nothing except a tinge of recall. That was the Lord speaking to my inner being.

When I reached part way up the mountain on a rugged road I looked back over my life in a new perspective, understanding with only one emotion the other would/could not exist. How could it if we have nothing to compare it to. I also felt everything in life had a purpose, given time I would come to understand it. Maybe not in this life time but in eternal time by standards I would learn.

I decided I wanted to live; move past my sorrow and learn to embrace all emotions. (at times it is easier written than done)

But this is life�I felt I must go for it or sit back live in a self absorbed existence. I chose to take the leap and live.

I did realize once I opened my heart I was setting my self up for more pain and rejection�also all the wonders of life.

Hell, I didn�t want to miss the dance.

Most of the stuff I write about starts out with a mood then moves to an urge to understand it. I am drawn to writing because I can feel through words what I want to express.

Rather others understand it or not�I do.


Sandyz

 

previous - next

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!